The Big Canvas

I was excited to tackle a new challenge a few weeks ago: a 3 x 4 ft blank stretched canvas. My largest previous painting was 3 x 5 ft, an abstract that I completed in college and have moved from home to home ever since. I love that piece. 

I cannot remember why I stuck to abstract acrylics in college, other than I was too afraid to try something else. My attitude is completely different at 50+ than it was when I was 22. At that time, I had been sheltered from hardship and distress and was  always trying to do the "right" thing. And by the "right" thing, I mean the thing that made the adults happy and reduced my anxiety to a reasonable level. When that is why you do the things you do, you don't push the envelope.

To be fair, I had my whole biological destiny to fulfill, so the future, the call of the marriage and kids and home and job was lurking in my mind at all times. Way, way back in my mind. All of that pressure back there despite the fact that at 22 I planned to live an unconventional life saving the world through Amnesty International, Greenpeace, and multiple domestic violence shelters. Sadly, none of that happened. I didn't save the world and I turned into a mainstream suburban mom, as idea that would have horrified the 22 year old me. I did work as a public health civil servant, but my college aspirations changed gears. 

Back to the canvas...I brought the big white canvas home and excitedly placed it in my studio. I perhaps selected a subject that was too ambitious, or the scale of it was new and bewildering. Objectively, the piece as it stands is pretty good. But something is not right. 

I began to avoid the studio as I ruminated over this piece. I got stuck on the other two pieces in progress as well. So today I put the big canvas away. It will come back out at another time, when it is fresh and I can identify the parts that are vexxing me. I am already looking forward to dabbling in the studio again. This is part of my learning curve as I fulfil my dream situation of sharing my art.